TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Blog Article

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical development-slash-luxury real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town historically known for historical society, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be great. Remarkable!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed within the putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and entirely outside of position. Created by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable h2o. But Indeed, sure, let us have One more position where American Adult men can have on robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though past negotiations unsuccessful underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: give Everybody a suite over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


According to documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be tender electricity," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Just about Trump Tower Damascus every unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It's actually not that Trump should not open a tower within a war zone. It truly is that he really should cease applying it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested regarding the challenge, replied, "You recognize, gentleman, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head obvious from Area, a function staying promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents as well as the chin is… nicely, categorised.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits right after getting the setting up's gold plating mirrored a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It is really not only unsightly. It is a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Confusing Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest element on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium the place attendees could contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with local weather Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Area Syrians are Doubtful what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-year-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Approach: "In the event you Bomb It, They can Come"


The ad campaign, recently leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is For good."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll carried out within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "the place's the closest elevator to your West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is previously attracting attention from Global buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll buy three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree will even incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not hold out to discover a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a resort wherever my PTSD can have transform-down service."


One more submit from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Experiences propose:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Thoughts with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It wanted gold. It required a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You're welcome."

Report this page